It's time...

I had been planning to work up until the last possible day. I was concerned about getting my short-term disability and my vacation coordinated so I would be able to be off with my baby until the end of the year and get paid for the whole time. Now that I was getting closer, I was sure that I would be able to do that without any problem.

My doctor said that they can approve leave starting at 38 weeks unless there is a medical reason to do so earlier. I had just found out that I would be induced the following week and I kind of wanted a couple of days to relax and make sure everything was in place. I decided to start my leave the Thursday before. That would give me 5 full days before my new baby arrived.

I didn't really do anything major for those 5 days. I was pushing my anxiety to the back of my mind and focusing on other things. I was actually surprised at how active I was. I don't know why but I was expecting to be in bed and unable to get up and around for the last couple of days. But I went about my life as if I was only 25 weeks pregnant.

I was also thinking that I might go into labor on my own. I had been 1-2cm dilated for a couple of weeks and thought that meant that labor was imminent. But it wasn't and I didn't. I just had to wait until my induction date.

The anxiety is hard to describe. I was anxious and nervous and excited the couple of days before my wedding. It was kind of like that but also very different. I had lived with my husband before we got married so there wasn't going to be a huge lifestyle change after we married. But with a baby, everything as I knew it would be 100% different. And the pain. I couldn't stop thinking about the pain. When I got married there was minimal pain.

So I waited and I reflected and I got myself mentally ready. I was holding up pretty well on the outside until the night before my induction. I was sad that I wouldn't be home with my dogs and husband for a few days. I was scared that I would have an empty feeling once the baby was out of my body. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to bond with the baby. I was scared that something would happen to me or the baby during childbirth. I was scared that my life would never be the same and that I would hate my new life. I was scared that I would do something wrong. I was scared of the labor. I was scared of everything. I had most of these fears at some point throughout my pregnancy but the event seemed so far away that I didn't really worry about it. But now it was here. In a couple of hours I would be thrown into all of my fears. So that night before my induction, I broke down a little and cried. I let it all out and I actually felt better. Then I settled down for the last good night's sleep that I would have for a while.