The day of my appointment had finally arrived. My husband, son and I arrived at the office. A very busy office I might add. I had asked for directions when I had made the appointment because they had 2 locations. I had to sign in at the front desk and take a seat. About a 1/2 hour later, 15 minutes past my appointment time, they called me to the desk and informed me that my appointment was at the other location. I assured them that it was not because I had specifically made sure that it was here. They didn't have availability for me at that office. I told them there was no way I was leaving that office without my sonogram. Were they trying to give me an ulcer? They asked me wait a minute and then let me know that someone would be able to see me but I might have to wait a while. I was prepared to set up a sleeping bag and spend the night if I had to. I wasn't leaving.
About an hour and one hungry toddler later, I was called into the office. The three of us trekked in with the nurse and I undressed from the waist down, ready to hear my the fate of the baby I hadn't even known I wanted.
The way the table was set up didn't allow me to see the screen. These sonograms are done for high risk pregnancies so I didn't know if that was done intentionally or not. But it was maddening. My husband stood over her shoulder as she did the sonogram and neither of them would look at me. I was afraid to say anything so I waited, searching their faces for some sign of what they were seeing. After an eternity my husband looked at me and gave me a thumbs up. There was a heartbeat. Then he got this shocked look on his face and said that there were 2 heartbeats. Luckily he was only kidding. Turns out the heartbeat was nice and strong and I was measuring about 7 weeks at that time. My cycle had been off and I hadn't really been as far along as I thought initially.
Relief filled my body and now I could finally let myself be happy about the new arrival.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
First doctor's appointment...
I still wasn't feeling much better about finding out I was pregnant. I had started to sink in and I was starting to accept it but I felt like I still had a long way to go. I called the doctor to make an appointment. Maybe I was still wrong. There are false positive tests, right?
From my calculation I was about 8 weeks along when I went to the doctor. They agreed. They did a urine test and it came out positive. I guess I wasn't too surprised. Then they decided to do a sonogram. Nothing special, just one of the antequated machines that was in the office. I watched the screen as the familiar fuzzy screen came up. The doctor immediately located the yolk sac. Then I waited and watched. She searched around for what seemed like an eternity. And then there was nothing. No heartbeat. I think my heart may have stopped as well. She told me that my uterus didn't really feel like I was 8 weeks and that the measurements were indicating that I was just over 5 weeks. Still too early to see a heartbeat. She asked me to make an appointment with another office in a couple of weeks just to make sure everything was ok. She said she wasn't concerned.
I walked out of the office devastated. I didn't even think I wanted this pregnancy and now that I was faced with not having a living being in my womb I was unprepared for the sadness and sense of loss that I felt. And there was nothing I could do but wait. Hard to not think about something like that. It consumed my free thoughts all the time, at work, at home, in bed when I was trying to fall asleep. I didn't show my emotion to my husband because I didn't want him to worry about me. I just kept it all inside.
My mother and I went to see Marley & Me at the movie theater after that appointment. I thought it would be good to get out of the house. I had read the book and knew it would be a tearjerker but I just wanted to get my mind off of the situation. Bad choice of movie for that. In one scene, the character played by Jennifer Aniston found out she was pregnant. They were so happy. Then at 10 weeks they had a sonogram and there was no heartbeat. She had lost the baby. It was almost unbearable to sit there. I think I went through a whole box of tissues in that dark theater, hoping that wouldn't be me in a couple of weeks.
My husband and mother were very reassuring but I knew that if the calculations were indicating that I was 8 weeks and I was measuring 3 weeks behind, the fetus could have just stopped growing and died at 5 weeks and I was still carrying the remains of the pregnancy. Why couldn't a time machine just take me into the future so I could just know for sure? But I waited.
From my calculation I was about 8 weeks along when I went to the doctor. They agreed. They did a urine test and it came out positive. I guess I wasn't too surprised. Then they decided to do a sonogram. Nothing special, just one of the antequated machines that was in the office. I watched the screen as the familiar fuzzy screen came up. The doctor immediately located the yolk sac. Then I waited and watched. She searched around for what seemed like an eternity. And then there was nothing. No heartbeat. I think my heart may have stopped as well. She told me that my uterus didn't really feel like I was 8 weeks and that the measurements were indicating that I was just over 5 weeks. Still too early to see a heartbeat. She asked me to make an appointment with another office in a couple of weeks just to make sure everything was ok. She said she wasn't concerned.
I walked out of the office devastated. I didn't even think I wanted this pregnancy and now that I was faced with not having a living being in my womb I was unprepared for the sadness and sense of loss that I felt. And there was nothing I could do but wait. Hard to not think about something like that. It consumed my free thoughts all the time, at work, at home, in bed when I was trying to fall asleep. I didn't show my emotion to my husband because I didn't want him to worry about me. I just kept it all inside.
My mother and I went to see Marley & Me at the movie theater after that appointment. I thought it would be good to get out of the house. I had read the book and knew it would be a tearjerker but I just wanted to get my mind off of the situation. Bad choice of movie for that. In one scene, the character played by Jennifer Aniston found out she was pregnant. They were so happy. Then at 10 weeks they had a sonogram and there was no heartbeat. She had lost the baby. It was almost unbearable to sit there. I think I went through a whole box of tissues in that dark theater, hoping that wouldn't be me in a couple of weeks.
My husband and mother were very reassuring but I knew that if the calculations were indicating that I was 8 weeks and I was measuring 3 weeks behind, the fetus could have just stopped growing and died at 5 weeks and I was still carrying the remains of the pregnancy. Why couldn't a time machine just take me into the future so I could just know for sure? But I waited.
It's been a while...
It's been quite a while since I have updated this page. So much has happened since my last post that I don't even know where to start.
The holidays were great. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas with family. My cousins and I had babies within a few weeks of each other so all three babies were a year old and very interested in each other and in the wrapping paper. Hectic yes, but memorable.
The biggest news I have is that we are expecting baby number two. Yes, that's right. Another baby is going to make an entrance in September. Needless to say, it was shocker. My husband and I had been talking about when the right time would be to try for another. I am an only child and no way wanted my son to be an only. I had a wonderful childhood but remember making my father pretend he was my brother. I had a cousin who was going to come live with us when I was really young. I remember fantasizing about when he would arrive and I would have a real "brother". He never ended up moving in with us and I was devastated. I didn't my little one to grow up lonely.
I wasn't ready to be pregnant again. But my husband really wanted them to be close in age. I understand that but it is my body. I agree that I wanted to get the diapers and bottles out of the way now instead of waiting a few years to do it all over again. I also thought that it would be nice if they could grow up relatively close in age. They could look out for each other. On the other hand, I have known siblings who are close in age that end up hating each other. I didn't know the right answer. My husband said it is now or never and I told him that I wanted to wait.
Well, nature and modern medicine had other plans for me. We weren't trying and I was taking preventative measures. It failed. And I was in shock. I knew it really early on. When I took the test, I was hoping that I was wrong. I wasn't. It was official, I was pregnant.
Once the shock wore off, I thought I would be happy. But another emotion found its way into my body and soul. Guilt. How could I take my attention away from my very young son? He had been my life up until now. How could I introduce competition into his world? How could I possibly love a new baby like I love him? Would I over compensate and neglect the new baby in favor of my son? All of these questions swirled through my brain and I wondered if postpartum depression could occur prepartum.
I wasn't ready to surrender my body to another being. I guess I didn't have a choice.
The holidays were great. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas with family. My cousins and I had babies within a few weeks of each other so all three babies were a year old and very interested in each other and in the wrapping paper. Hectic yes, but memorable.
The biggest news I have is that we are expecting baby number two. Yes, that's right. Another baby is going to make an entrance in September. Needless to say, it was shocker. My husband and I had been talking about when the right time would be to try for another. I am an only child and no way wanted my son to be an only. I had a wonderful childhood but remember making my father pretend he was my brother. I had a cousin who was going to come live with us when I was really young. I remember fantasizing about when he would arrive and I would have a real "brother". He never ended up moving in with us and I was devastated. I didn't my little one to grow up lonely.
I wasn't ready to be pregnant again. But my husband really wanted them to be close in age. I understand that but it is my body. I agree that I wanted to get the diapers and bottles out of the way now instead of waiting a few years to do it all over again. I also thought that it would be nice if they could grow up relatively close in age. They could look out for each other. On the other hand, I have known siblings who are close in age that end up hating each other. I didn't know the right answer. My husband said it is now or never and I told him that I wanted to wait.
Well, nature and modern medicine had other plans for me. We weren't trying and I was taking preventative measures. It failed. And I was in shock. I knew it really early on. When I took the test, I was hoping that I was wrong. I wasn't. It was official, I was pregnant.
Once the shock wore off, I thought I would be happy. But another emotion found its way into my body and soul. Guilt. How could I take my attention away from my very young son? He had been my life up until now. How could I introduce competition into his world? How could I possibly love a new baby like I love him? Would I over compensate and neglect the new baby in favor of my son? All of these questions swirled through my brain and I wondered if postpartum depression could occur prepartum.
I wasn't ready to surrender my body to another being. I guess I didn't have a choice.
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