It's been a while...

It's been quite a while since I have updated this page. So much has happened since my last post that I don't even know where to start.

The holidays were great. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas with family. My cousins and I had babies within a few weeks of each other so all three babies were a year old and very interested in each other and in the wrapping paper. Hectic yes, but memorable.

The biggest news I have is that we are expecting baby number two. Yes, that's right. Another baby is going to make an entrance in September. Needless to say, it was shocker. My husband and I had been talking about when the right time would be to try for another. I am an only child and no way wanted my son to be an only. I had a wonderful childhood but remember making my father pretend he was my brother. I had a cousin who was going to come live with us when I was really young. I remember fantasizing about when he would arrive and I would have a real "brother". He never ended up moving in with us and I was devastated. I didn't my little one to grow up lonely.

I wasn't ready to be pregnant again. But my husband really wanted them to be close in age. I understand that but it is my body. I agree that I wanted to get the diapers and bottles out of the way now instead of waiting a few years to do it all over again. I also thought that it would be nice if they could grow up relatively close in age. They could look out for each other. On the other hand, I have known siblings who are close in age that end up hating each other. I didn't know the right answer. My husband said it is now or never and I told him that I wanted to wait.

Well, nature and modern medicine had other plans for me. We weren't trying and I was taking preventative measures. It failed. And I was in shock. I knew it really early on. When I took the test, I was hoping that I was wrong. I wasn't. It was official, I was pregnant.

Once the shock wore off, I thought I would be happy. But another emotion found its way into my body and soul. Guilt. How could I take my attention away from my very young son? He had been my life up until now. How could I introduce competition into his world? How could I possibly love a new baby like I love him? Would I over compensate and neglect the new baby in favor of my son? All of these questions swirled through my brain and I wondered if postpartum depression could occur prepartum.

I wasn't ready to surrender my body to another being. I guess I didn't have a choice.