Back to work...

The decision had been made. My husband would stay home with the baby. The final night of my maternity leave had arrived. That night I set the alarm and tried to fall asleep. I was so depressed. I could not imagine returning to the land of cubicles. Eventually I must have fallen asleep but then baby needed to be fed. My husband and I switched roles. He would be getting up with the baby and I would be sleeping so I could get up for work in the morning. I had wanted him to take care of the baby all day one day, pretending I wasn't there. Just so he could see how it would be when I was gone. But he didn't do it. He said he would be fine. That night, I could see that I was going to be nervous for them alone. He got up with the baby but he turned on every light on in the house. When I get up with the baby, I do everything very quietly and in the dark so he never fully wakes up. He usually goes right back to sleep. So my husband had a different way of doing it. Ok. But then I realized that I was just laying awake, listening. I couldn't sleep until he got back to bed and then I couldn't sleep until I checked on the baby. I decided that even though I had to get up for work, I would still get up with the baby. It didn't make sense for us both to be up and I couldn't sleep when he got up with him. So there you have it. I am not usually the controlling type but I just couldn't make my mind shut down when he was taking care of him at night.

As the alarm went off in the morning, I woke with a lump in my throat. I didn't know if I could do it. I had sick days available. Couldn't I just call in sick and have one more day? But now that I was a new mom and the breadwinner, I had a responsibility to my family. So I reluctantly got ready for work, kissed my husband and son goodbye and drove off in a blur of tears. What if my son forgot about me while I was away at work? What if he resented me because I was leaving him? What if he loved my husband more than me because he was home with him? I attributed all of these complex feelings to a two month old. Irrational, I know but I still felt them with every mile I put between us.
As I pulled into my parking lot, I pulled myself together. I walked through the door and turned on my computer. As I settled in as my professional self, I couldn't shake the thought that they were home and I was not. I checked the clock every other minute and was dismayed to find that an hour away from him seemed like ten. That meant that I would be away from him for eighty hours in one day. I didn't call to check on them because I wanted my husband to know that I had confidence in his ability to take care of our son. As lunchtime rolled around, I didn't know how I was going to make it through the rest of the day, let alone a lifetime as a working mother. But then I got an e-mail letting me know that I had a new picture message. I opened it and there was my son in his little baby bathtub. I realized then that they would get along fine without me but that didn't mean that they didn't need me.

After that first hard day, I established a routine. I knew that as working mother, my time with my son each day would be limited so I made the most of it. I cherished the night feedings. I got him up in the morning, fed him and changed him. Then I would get ready quickly and was able to spend more time with him before I had to leave. As soon as I got home from work, I took over baby duty. I was tired from being at work all day but let's face it, I wasn't digging ditches or working in a mine. I was sitting behind a desk. So I wasn't too tired to spend time with my son. I got time to unwind when he went to bed before it started all over again. This got me through those first couple of months back at work.
Now we are like a well-oiled machine. Everyone gets quality time and we are able to have a happy, healthy home life. In my dreams, I win the lottery and neither of us would have to work. But then I wake up and get back to my real life as a working mom.